Re-Klining Bob's Backstop for April 14, 2005

Dear Diary:

I did it again.

I know, I know. I've told you a thousand times that I was going to hold my tongue, stop flipping off my managers. Somehow, I just can't help it.

Things just came to a head. I really can't stand it here; I guess I should have checked it out a little more closely before signing that deal. Like, at all.

I know I had some problems with LaRussa, but the guy does know his baseball. I haven't seen Mazzilli do anything since I've been here except sit on his hands and talk to Ray Miller. I would have flipped him the bird after putting me in to pitch to three straight righties, but I think he had dozed off in the dugout. I'm not sure, though, it's really hard to tell the difference.

And Charm City? Don't get me started! First, their food delicacy are these filthy scavenger things that live in the mud on the bottom of a saltwater bay. You have to rip and pound them open, and then you get three bits of their desiccated flesh as a reward for your effort. Or, you can go the less disgusting route and get them in some sort of "cake". Yeah, right. "Hey, Bud, give me one of those Scavenger Cakes. Yeah, you, the one in the apron covered with fish guts."

Right.

And then there's the town. You look over the rim of Busch Stadium, you see that beautiful arch. You do the same thing in Baltimore, you see the Bromo-Seltzer Tower. This whole town makes me wish for a Bromo. Or an enema. Or both.

And then I find out Sammy Sosa is my teammate. Man. One of the things I looked forward to in coming to the AL was getting AWAY from that guy. I mean, he stinks. Literally. I'm not sure what was the biggest annoyance coming from the Cubs locker room...that friggin' salsa music, or Sammy's B.O. You've gotta be careful around his locker, too, because he's such a slob. Those used syringes are everywhere...the man has no consideration for other guys in their bare feet.

Then there are the fans. I mean, there's no comparison. None. No fan base dresses up in red and white and cheers everyone like RedBird Nation. Orange? and Black? Why didn't someone tell me? It looks like friggin' Halloween every time I look up into the stands! And how can they dare greet me with a smattering of boos when I walk off the mound after a miserable performance? Well, yeah, we've been on the road for most of the season so far, but why can't I miss the Cardinal fans already? Why should I be held to some unrealistic standard of reality?

And then there's Tejada. What a slacker. How can you win with a guy like that at shortstop? Palmeiro, Lopez...what a bunch of creeps. And that John Gibbons guy...what a maroon!

Well, I guess I'd better get going. I have one of those Jason Giambi-style apologies to make.

God, I hate this place!

Till next time, Stevie