Pre-Fab Headlines

Bob's Backstop for March 13, 2004

So, then, I thought, why just not write some of this coming week's news stories now, so he can take them with him, and read them whenever he wants to get a little baseball news? So, David, here they are...this coming week's stories from around baseball!

Bosox to Sell Lap Seats

In their ongoing attempts to increase seating capacity at Fenway park, the Red Sox announce today that certain sections of the park will be designated as "double-up" seats.

"While it's true that our seats don't have much room to begin with, studies have demonstrated that children up to age 14, and petite women, can sit in relative comfort in someone's lap for up to four hours," said Joe Pennypincher, Sox VP for Capacity Maximization. "If fans will get into the spirit of the thing, it could actually be a lot of fun. Senator Ted Kennedy has already put down a deposit for a season ticket."

Levine Tells Other Clubs to Stuff It

In a press release today, Yankees President Randy Levine says, "PHHHHITTTT !!!"

Bowa Gets Mad

Phillies manager Larry Bowa lost his temper in a Florida eatery today when his waiter was too slow in delivering his check, thus carrying his time over out of the Early Bird Special. "Look, you $@@%^#@!@$, I want to see some hustle out there! Your last name isn't Rolen, is it?"

Gary Sheffield is Peeved

He's also angry, resentful, annoyed, provoked, irked, nettled, vexed, miffed, ruffled, disturbed, riled, aggravated, exasperated, exercised, griping, bristling, tormented, bothered, harassed, harried, dogged, nagged, badgered, baited, worried, pestered, tweaked, bugged, beleaguered, irritated, galled, chafed, fretted, chagrined, upset, confounded, distressed, afflicted, troubled, burdened, disquieted, agitated, upset, pained, anguished, hurt, wounded, bruised, pierced, stung, tortured, savaged, martyred, repelled, disgusted, roiled, riled, piqued, bedeviled, mortified, aggrieved, plagued, hectored, bullyragged, bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.

Player Says "I'll be Tested Anytime."

"No problem. You set it up, I'll go."

"How about right now?"

"Um, I have to get my emissions inspection."

"Later this afternoon?"

"Got a tee-off at five, sorry."

"How about early tomorrow morning, before practice?"

"Oh, you know how Skip is. Have to be here at eight. Any labs open before eight?..."

Politician Says, "Steroids Are Bad."

While making a speech before the Royal Order of Aardvarks, Rep. Carmine D. Puddentane commented that "if baseball isn't going to clean up their own act, then we'll do it for them." When asked how, Rep. Puddentane replied, "Well, I've been trying to get a bill on the floor of the House for years, and this idiot from Minnesota keep trying to paste on something about declaring the Metrodome a Federal Disaster Area..."

Steinbrenner Tweaks Torre

While Joe Torre was speaking to members of the press before today's game at Legends Field, George Steinbrenner came up behind him and pushed the cap off of his head. After Torre smiled and replaced the cap, Steinbrenner told him his shoe was untied. When Torre looked down, Steinbrenner knocked the cap off again. Torre smiled and replaced it, and then Steinbrenner informed him that a deal had been worked out for Terrell Owens to become a Yankee. "I think he'll make a heck of a pinch-runner, Joe. and, maybe by next year, he can play center field. He's certainly no worse a prospect that that Hanson fellow was."

Manny Upsets Bostonians

While getting a haircut during yesterday's Bosox spring training game, Manny Ramirez asked, "Who is this "Jimmy" kid, anyway? I'm sure sick of looking at his puss at the ballpark every day. Why don't they have a "Manny Fund", that's what I'd like to know. And what's with the way people talk around here? I can't understand anything anyone says. Don't Irish people smell like potatoes all the time? I think they do. You know, there is just no uniform in baseball, or any sport, for that matter, that looks as good as Yankee pinstripes."

Dodgers Are Broke

It was revealed today that the Dodgers are canceling the rest of their spring schedule, due to a lack of working capital. "We do have some money coming in to start the regular season, but these low ticket prices and small capacity in Spring Training just makes continuing these games imprudent," said owner Frank McCourt. "I mean, the upkeep on this place, and paying Sandy Koufax' bar tab, that's just taking everything I have. No wonder the previous regime didn't care if he wasn't around. This guy spends fifty, seventy-five dollars a day! I can't afford that, it's just not in the budget. So, we're shutting this all down, and we'll see everyone in L.A. Opening Day. All I can say is, thank goodness for season ticket sales!"

David Segui Injured, to Miss Rest of Season

David Segui turned up at Orioles camp today with a severely strained back. Upon being interviewed by investigative reporters looking into the strange injury, neighbors reported that he had been seen in the backyard of his condo the night before, burying several large canisters in the backyard. The Players Association breathed a sigh of relief, for disabled players are not to be tested for steroids.

Sammy Sosa Caught With Stickem, Emory Board

A routine inspection of Sosa's locker yesterday revealed a can of "stickem", several emery boards, a deck of marked playing cards, a pair of loaded dice, a tube of KY jelly, several term papers purchased from the Internet, a fake college diploma, several bootleg CD's, a copy of the Chicago Bears playbook, and the Cliffs Notes version of "Ulysses".

Dusty Baker Says Black Players Like Fried Chicken

"It's just a fact. You can look it up. Whenever we have fried chicken on the post-game spread, the brothers just scarf it up. The white guys don't have much of an appetite if it's been a day game; they are too busy trying to put the fluids they lost back into their system. It's no one's fault, that's just the way it is. We were just bred a certain way. My mother taught that in school for forty years, so it must be right."

There, David. That oughta keep ya.